When people ask what kind of partner fits an avoidant person, I think of a comment someone once left under my answer on Zhihu: “This is the right way to love.” It felt like high praise, but maybe it was true in a small way. So let me tell you what my way looks like.
知乎上有人问：回避型依恋的理想伴侣是什么样的？在我的回答下，有条评论写道：“爱的正确打开方式莫过于此。”我觉得这个评价有点高，但还是想把我的方式讲讲。
I think I have the right to speak on this. My partner is avoidant. And so far, we’ve done well.
我觉得我有发言权。我的队友就是回避型依恋，但到目前为止我们相处得不错。
The ideal partner for an avoidant person, I believe, is someone secure.
回避型依恋的理想队友，我想应该是安全型人格的人。
By secure I mean someone who doesn’t crave attachment, nor run from it. Someone who isn’t short on love, who has a strong inner sense of safety. They won’t freeze or panic when the avoidant partner swings between closeness and distance. Avoidants are rarely steady. They move back and forth, pulled by two forces at once. So the one with them needs a calm center. If both are unstable, the relationship becomes a maze of wrong timing.
所谓安全型，即没有依恋，也不回避。因为本身并不缺爱，自我安全感很好。所以不会像队友那样忽冷忽热，也不会被队友的忽冷忽热困住。回避型依恋的情绪往往不稳定，在依恋与回避之间反复摇摆。理想的伴侣则需要相当稳定，否则两个人就容易陷在不同步的情绪节奏里，很难契合。
A good partner also needs some psychological insight. Not as a therapist, but as someone who can read the avoidant’s shifts for what they are.
理想的队友还需要一定的心理洞察能力——不是当治疗师，而是能识别出回避型依恋的情绪变化和状态。
Take me, for example. When my partner gets distant and quiet, I don’t feel hurt. First, I can sense her cycle—her avoidant phase is back. This is her time. Second, I want my presence in her life to help her grow more independent, not more attached. I want her, someday, to live well even if I’m gone—whether by life, death, or chance. I don’t want her life to root itself so deep in mine that losing me means losing her world.
像我一样，当队友不粘我、变得很佛系的时候，我不会失落。一方面我能觉察到她的周期到了，她进入了回避状态，这是她的时间。另一方面，我希望自己对她的意义，是帮助她情感独立，甚至成长到某一天即使我不在了，或我们因生死等原因分开了，她仍能继续好好生活，而不是因为我们的关系结束，她的生活也被连根拔起。
She has avoidant traits, but I don’t want to trap her or pua her into staying. What I want is to help her have the strength to leave—me, or anyone—if she must. To live with more boldness and freedom. If I can help her gain that, then that’s the best gift I can give.
她有回避型依恋，但我并不想把她 pua 地绑在身边。我希望她能拥有离开我的能力，离开任何对她有重要意义的人也不至于崩溃，能够更独立、更大胆地生活。如果我能给她这样的能力，那就是我能给的最好礼物。
We’ve talked about this. She said this is exactly what she wants from me. And what I want from her is a long, steady relationship. I don’t have the interest or the energy to juggle many people. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s priorities. I’d rather spend my time on work. So what she wants, I can give. What I want, she can give. It fits.
我们聊过这个问题。她说，她想从我这里得到的，就是这种力量。而我想从她那里得到的，是长期稳定的关系。我的体质和性格决定我没精力去见异思迁，也对脚踏多条船没有兴趣。也许是阅历，也许是我更想把精力投入到事业中。这样一来，她想要的我愿意给，我想要的她也愿意给，契合便自然达成。
A side note: avoidant people fear pain. To them, attachment means one day losing the right to it. And loss hurts so much that they avoid the start to avoid the end. But because they lack emotional independence, they still long for closeness. So they hover between escape and need. This is a kind of fragility. A wound disguised as distance.
顺便说一句，回避型依恋的人害怕伤害。依恋意味着总有一天会失去，而失去的痛苦太巨大，于是为了回避结局，他们回避开始。但由于自身的不完整与情感不独立，他们又需要依恋，在回避与依恋之间来回拉扯。这其实是一种脆弱，是不安全感，是一种“不完整”。
I don’t know if I can give my partner the gift I hope to. But if we’re lucky enough to reach eighty or ninety, then I’ll have half a century to try.
我不知道能不能真的把这份礼物给到我的队友。如果我们有幸活到八九十岁，我希望余生都能待在一起，那我就有半个世纪的时间来做这件事。