I didn’t reach the depths of life until I turned thirty.
直到三十，我才抵达生活深处。
When I was fifteen, in my second year of middle school, I started trying to understand life. Back then life was simple: classes, homework, classmates, teachers, meals, and a world that served as the “background.” The background meant trees here and there, strangers with mask-like faces, shopkeepers who never spoke more than a sentence, buildings I had never entered, and goods that seemed to appear from nowhere. On my birthday that year, already used to keeping a journal, I wrote down the number fifteen again and again. It felt sad in a way I couldn’t name.
我从十五岁起尝试理解生活，那会念初二。生活里只有知识、功课、同窗、师长、三餐，以及作为这种生活的“背景”世界。“背景”固然是，这里那里的花草树，脸谱一样的陌生人，不会多交流一句话的商贩、老板，从没进去过的楼房，不知从何而来的商品。那天我生日，已经有了写日记的习惯。纸面上的十五，十五，这数字似乎很忧伤，将我沉默住。
My understanding of the world then was vague in the obvious way. Yet the vagueness felt accurate. In my mind, the world was a “field,” a place I had already lived in for years. I felt uneasy about that. It seemed wrong to just vanish someday without doing anything. How many “fifteens” could I have? That simple thought became the beginning of conscious life.
此时我对世界的理解，是显而易见的模糊。模糊中又显而易见的准确，因我的意识里将世界作为了一个“场”。我意识到，原来已在这世界待了这么长的时间。我直觉里认为这不好，应当做些事，不应“凭空消失”。我能有多少个“十五”呢，这是朴素的生命意识。也是我有意识生活的开始，清晰明了，就在那刻。
But all I could think of doing was raising my grades. I wrote motivational notes, copied famous quotes, and made loud promises about how well I would study. Those journals now sit in a drawer, full of feverish words. That fever was the product of an education that left no room for joy. No one taught me how to observe, or to think, or to find pleasure in the act of learning. All twelve years of school felt like something I’d never forgive.
只可惜我想到能做的，只有提升学业成绩。我尝试写些激励日记，摘录些名言警句，自我鞭策，也夸下不少壮语豪言，只为让自己好好学，成绩名列前位。如今日记封存在我房间的柜子里，净是些魔怔的文字。我把这种魔怔，理解为某种教育的产物。我体会不到观察、学习、思考的乐趣，没有被引导去观察过大千世界，没有被引导去阅读去探索更大的世界，也没有被引导去享受行为本身的乐趣，此状况覆盖了我全部的学生生涯。学校教育给予了我终身难以原谅的“恶心”，只有将学校生活加进去，才稍有意愿松口。
And teachers? They were gears in a giant machine. I can forgive them now. It was their job, their family’s meals, their future. But none of them ever awakened me. Not even one. That kind of life can hardly be called life.
如今我能理解，作为学校教育的实施者——老师，他们只是整座巨型体系的一个个齿轮、工人，那是他们的工作、一家老小明天的口粮、未来的保障。但是老师不应当如此，没有哪个老师启蒙了我，一个也没有。这教育下的生活，并不能称为生活。
College saved me because I could skip classes. Suddenly I had free time. I started reading on my own and drifted away from “official” learning. I discovered the details of worlds outside the approved path. I imagined how ordinary people made a living, fell in love, raised families, suffered, and chased small joys. I woke from the collective trance and started thinking about dignity, will, and freedom.
幸亏大学可以逃课，终于让人有了闲暇。无所事事中，我开启阅读，偏离“正统”教育。我才发现了正统之路以外的世界细节，开始想象底层民众如何谋生、恋爱、成家、在社会滚打摸爬，如何承受苦难、追寻幸福。我才发现了自己，开始从集体的魔怔中醒来，考虑个人的尊严、意志和自由。
I also found reason. I learned how to think for myself. I tried to see things more clearly. At the same time, I was young and full of hope for love. Love didn’t care about me though. I didn’t have the charm to make my heart believable. Still, the fact that I could see myself saved me from needless pain.
我才发现理性，独立思索和判断何等重要，尝试更谨慎更平和地认知事物。此时我二十来岁，青春焕发考虑爱情。爱情不考虑我，我没法把纯良的心掏出来，挡在不好看的形象前面。好在我看得到自己，免于毫无爱情的苦恼。
I read, wrote, and made friends. I imagined doing great things. My world was small and plain, supported by my family. But even then, it wasn’t real life yet.
此时我读书、写文字、交友，天真的想象力不减，欲有所作为。我的生活是家里人支持的，我接触到的世界单纯而简陋。这个场，仍不是真实的生活。
In my senior year, classmates dressed in suits and polished their resumes. I walked around shirtless reading a worn copy of Walden under a purple-blue sky. They celebrated in the hall; I dove in the southern waters of Taiwan with crabs and fish. After graduation, I had no job and stayed in a damp rental room with a friend, until I found work.
大四时，同窗穿着笔挺的西装拿着精修的简历在忙碌，我光着膀子拿着烂掉的《瓦尔登湖》在看紫蓝色的夜空；同窗聚在大堂中庆祝毕业，我潜水于台湾的南端海域里，和鱼蟹作伴。离开学校后没找到工作，寄居在朋友阴潮的出租屋内，好在不久也找到了。
Audit work was new. Every project meant a new city and new people who treated me as a guest of honor. I traveled a lot but wasn’t tired. Later I joined a state-owned enterprise as a finance guy on construction sites. I rose from cashier to accounting supervisor to managing the finances of billion-yuan projects.
工作是一种不曾有的新鲜感，尤其是审计，每个项目去不同的地方，被不同人当座上宾款待。出差多，且无辛苦。后来入职了央企，在工地干财务看星星。出纳、会计、主管、片区主管，乃至负责几十亿项目的财务，高低也算风生水起、有头有脸。
Work opened a small window for me. I learned how society worked—division of labor, money flows, social rules. I earned good money and respect. But even then I hadn’t reached the depths of life. I wasn’t yet exposed to the raw parts of existence.
工作为我打开了一小扇的窗，令我得以窥见现实世界的劳动分工、经济运作、人情世故。我对自我和世界有更深入的认知，工作能换回不菲的收入，还享有他人的尊重，但这仍不是生活在深处，我没有裸露在朝不保夕、遭人冷眼的生活里。
In a reading group I met Yin Wenke. My first lover. The first person who ever truly saw me. She completed the missing pieces of me. Through her I felt the mix of another soul with mine.
期间在读书群结识了尹文可，第一个恋人，也是第一个看见我的人。她补全了我，让我偏斜的心灵和身体重叠在一起，令我体味到爱情、与他人的结合。
Inside, the work still felt wrong. I didn’t know what I wanted, only that I didn’t want that. After two or three years I quit. I had no next job lined up. I went home to “nurture myself,” which was mostly an excuse to breathe.
向内的探索仍在继续，我听到内心，这工作并不是我心之所向，尽管我并不知道所向何方。为此，两三年之后，我离职了。没有下一份工作，找个修身养性的由头回了家。
Those were peaceful days—thinking, writing, reading, walking, seeing friends. I began to enjoy the acts themselves. In trying to understand the world and its abstract ideas, I saw a kind of map of life. First the surface, busy and noisy. Beneath it, human sorrow and loneliness. And deeper still, a kind of “suchness”: the world moving by its own laws, neither good nor evil.
这是最自在的生活，思考、写文、读书、散步、交友，已然能从行为本身和孤独生活中获得乐趣。在对观察和理解世界的整合里，在对各种人文抽象概念的理解之中，我似乎看到某种生活版图，先是一层繁复的表象，表象之下是人的悲惨、孤独、寂寥，后来又看到更深一层，即“自在”（世界以其自身的法则存在着、演变着，并无任何善恶）。
In Camus I found a hint of how to live. In watching my own mind, I realized I could change it. I tried small investments and e-commerce. They failed. But failure didn’t threaten my life. I still hadn’t reached the depths of life.
在加缪的思想里，我似乎触碰到应该如何生活的理念。在对自我意识的觉察里，我发现可以做到一些控制，可以编写它，改善它。这个时期，我尝试做小投资、电商创业，结果均不理想。依靠着工作积蓄和家庭支持，失败的尝试没有危及生活的稳定和延续。此时我仍没有抵达生活深处。
Two or three years later, I went back to work. My savings were nearly gone; I needed a job and a plan for a family. Wenke left to explore her own world. We parted. A year later I met Xiaolingzi. Maybe this will be the last relationship of my life—if we manage to stay together for half a century.
如此两三年后，我踏出家门，回到工作之中。积蓄见底，要谋饭碗，要准备成家。尹文可决定去探索她的新世界，我们分了手，一年后我遇上小灵子。第二段亲密关系，也许是最后一段，如果我们能待在一起持续半个世纪的话。
Outside work I studied English, hoping for a bigger world. By chance I touched programming, and with the help of AI began writing small bits of code. After half a year I finally felt the real process of learning—curiosity, exploration, building a whole from scattered pieces, solving problems.
工作之余，继续练习英语，期待能接触到更大的世界。在机缘巧合下，我接触编程，空闲里借助人工智能练习敲代码。半年后，我才真正体会到学习这种行为的历程。一种从兴趣到探索、从零散到统揽、从懵懂到验证、从问题到解决的学习方式，换言之，我才知道这是真正的学习行为，没有压迫、混乱、模糊、空洞。
Now I work for a living, learn coding and English for fun, love someone and enjoy closeness, and spend time with my family. My income is lower than before. I read less. My body is not much stronger. I am still not “successful” by any public measure.
现在，我工作谋生处理乱七八糟的事情，凭着兴趣学习编程和英语，拥有爱情享受亲密，和家人待一起。我的收入没有以前高，阅读量没以前大，体质不见得好多少，依旧一事无成。
Yet something changed.
然而，当我意识到——
When I realized that endless worlds—from society to species to the cosmos—are unfolding with or without my knowing;
当我意识到，自己已经理解到各色的社会形式、自然物种、宇宙形态，无穷无尽的场，在以我知道或不知道的方式浩浩荡荡地演变，没头没尾，永无止境；
when I realized that humans live in absurdity, in suffering, under laws we can’t escape;
当我意识到，人就生活在荒诞的无意义中，生活在从过去现在到未来大大小小的苦难和艰辛中，生活在或可知或不可知的永恒法则里；
when I realized I could always hear the voice inside me and take it seriously;
当我意识到，自己总能听到由心内而来的声音，总能理解自身的变化——不管好坏，总能认真而严肃地对待；
when I realized I could enjoy the acts themselves—working, watching, thinking, learning, giving;
当我意识到，自己能在劳作、观察、思考、学习、探索、给予中享受行为本身的乐趣和价值，
when I realized I could move from shallow experience to deeper understanding;
能从浅薄的生活感知投入进发到更深层的探索和理解，
when I realized I could feel the fine wetness of a kiss and the quiet joy inside a single moment of time;
能在关系的亲吻中感受到细腻的湿滑、交融的微妙，在无涯的时间里体察片刻的静止和欢愉，
when I realized I was no longer hiding under a big tree, but exposed to the uncertain winds of life, earning my way through labor and exchange;
当我意识到，自己已离开乘凉的大树，就如此裸露在不确定的生活和未来里，靠着劳动和交易获得生存物资，谋生与发展；
when I realized I had returned from the abstract and the distant to the solid earth, to build freedom and happiness grain by grain…
当我意识到，自己已从抽象的范畴、遥远的虚空出走，回到坚实而沉重的地表，带着星星点点的渴望和激情，细细地构建着自由和幸福，践行着那帮老头的智慧……
I knew one thing with total clarity:
我非常清楚地知道一件事：
I will die cleanly someday. But by thirty, after fifteen years of wandering, I had reached the depths of life. I was already happy. Real and whole.
我会死得很干净，但当我意识到这些的时候，我非常清楚，历程十五年，在这三十岁的节点，我已然抵达生活深处，我已经幸福了。这儿真实、完整。