01 Death 死亡
I’ve always had a strong sense of death.
It’s not the gloom of wanting to flee the world. It’s the simple fact that people I meet, things I see, and moments I feel—good or bad—can vanish with almost no effort, whether it’s them leaving, or me leaving. When people say someone “just disappeared,” they’re pointing at this ease. Things end faster than we expect.
我有一种强烈的死亡意识。
不同于悲观的厌世和赴死，我时常意识到所接触的人、看见的事物、感受到的或美妙或不堪，会很轻易消失掉，不管是我死，还是它们消失。如人们常谈及某熟人死了，会感慨“说没就没”。这种说没就没，就是所谓的“非常轻易”。
We grow up assuming people will be there next time, that things will still sit where we left them, that tomorrow will be like today. But some force—random or fated—can erase them, and me, with no trouble at all. I’m not scared of death, nor am I attached to what I have. I’m just aware of how fragile things are. This awareness makes me notice the tiny sounds in a room, the light bouncing off objects, the look on someone's face, or my own pulse and breath.
我们的思维惯性里，会默认这个人会再见，那个事物会继续存在。但事实上，某种偶然或必然的力量，会轻易抹除掉它们包括我。我不惧怕死，也不会极其留恋手中的所有，而是我意识到消失的“轻易”。死亡意识令我细腻地感知周围和自己，那些微弱的声音，反射的光线，对方的表情，我的体温、心跳与呼吸。
I’ve been to several funerals. My sense of life and death sits both outside and inside the coffin. What consciousness touches is existence; the other side of existence is death. The more I sense one, the more I understand the other. They’re two sides of the same coin. I once thought people easily understood this, but you only see it when you truly live with attention. I now believe: if you haven’t thought about death, you don’t yet understand life. You can’t know what something is without knowing what it isn’t.
这些年参加过几次葬礼，我对存在与死亡的理解，不仅在棺材之外，也在棺材之内。意识所感知的全部集合即是存在，存在的背面就是死亡。我越感知存在，越能触碰死亡；越凝视死亡，越理解存在。我有个偏见：没有沉思过死亡的人，不足以谈人生。因为不了解事物不是什么，就不了解它是什么。
The best gift this awareness gives isn’t fear. It’s love of life. I could die soon—slip quietly into time as if I was never here. Death is a sword, but mine points forward. It cuts away the useless and leaves only what matters. It urges me not to waste time. It makes me guard my life from being eaten by trivial things, yet it also pushes me to pour time into things that seem “useless”—like long talks with my partner, or learning a craft inch by inch. One is repetition. The other is exploration.
死亡意识给予人的最重要的，是生之爱。我可能很快就死去，无声无息地坠入时间之河。死亡并不是悬在头顶的剑，而是在我手里，让我审视何事值得做、何事不值得，何者重要、何者不重要。我警惕生命被无效无用吞噬，却也愿意投入这些无效无用：和伴侣聊天，或日拱一卒练习手艺。前者是重复，后者是开拓。
02 Time 时间
My sense of time came from my sense of death.
At first, I hated when people wasted my time, and I hated wasting theirs. Time should create value, right? But now that feeling fades. Not because I have more time, but because I have less. Anger adds nothing. What helps is finding the doorway into life—past empty talk, information without depth, waiting without purpose, work without growth.
死亡意识衍生出了我的时间观。
起初，我厌恶别人浪费我的时间，也厌恶浪费别人的时间。时间应该产生价值。但如今这种厌恶减少了。并不是时间变多，而是变少。厌恶无意义，有意义的是从缺乏信息增量的涉略，从无所事事的等待，从枯燥重复的工作里找到深入生活的切口。
I’ve hit thirty. If life is an average arc, I’ve used up maybe three-eighths of it, maybe nine-tenths. Who knows. A single day no longer holds the ten free hours I had as a student. Once you work and build relationships and build a home, time shrinks. Thoreau cut his life down to the bone at Walden Pond. I’m not him. But in my own concrete forest, I too have gone deeper into life. My time shrinks, and that’s fine. I can still choose.
我已经三十，从平均生命周期来看，我至少用掉八分之三，可能更多，再也没有学生时代一天十小时可支配的日子。工作、关系、家庭不断填满时间。梭罗砍掉生活多余部分逼自己进瓦尔登湖，我做不到，但在钢筋丛林里，我也深入了生活。时间越来越少，但不必抱怨。我可以决定自己。
I can skip entertainment that adds nothing. The endless videos, the flashing edits—they’re others’ businesses, not mine. I can choose content that sharpens my mind or skills. People like 1blue3brown make math feel like joy. Other creators share tools and ideas that save hours for strangers. Whatever their motives, they add to the world.
我可以决定跳过无信息增量的娱乐，跳过碎片视频，跳过别人的故事。我可以选择增进认知、提升技艺的内容。像1blue3brown那样让数学变幸福的人，还有分享工具和知识的博主，不论他们初衷是什么，他们确实增加了公共资源。
I can skip empty small talk and listen instead to a friend’s fear about a PhD, or his worry about turning thirty-two and seeing the door of society closing at thirty-five. I can skip big group dinners and sit with a friend one-on-one to hear his loneliness. I can’t force him to open up, but I can offer honesty. The best friendships are the ones where both live deeply apart, then share the results when meeting again—not the ones built on checking if the other is still alive.
我可以跳过无意义的寒暄，去听朋友的焦虑，去了解他是否快乐。我不能决定他是否掏心，但能决定自己的坦诚。最舒服的是各自深刻地生活，再见面时分享所得，而不是十年蜻蜓点水般的敷衍相处。
I can decide what to think at a red light, what to listen to on a walk, what tools to use at work, what to practice in spare time. I can't control what tasks come tomorrow, but I can choose not to avoid them. I can't control whether a job is fresh, but I can find better ways to do the repetitive parts.
我可以决定红绿灯前想什么、走路时听什么、等人时看什么。我不能决定老板安排什么任务，却能决定用更省时的方式完成。我不能决定事情是否新鲜，却能从重复里挖出更有效的做法。
The fact that I didn’t die earlier is luck enough. Time is enough. If there’s some final judgment, I can’t blame time for being short. When I lay my life out, I see clearly how much of it I gave away to death without noticing.
我没有更早死去已是幸运。时间也是够的。如果有终极审判，我不能控诉时间太少。将一生铺开看，很多时间是我粗心地拱手让给了死神。
03 Value 价值
So what do I want to pass on as time moves?
For years, the answer stayed vague. Then one day Lingzi said, puzzled, “You’re not even good-looking. How can I like you this much? I’ll be working and suddenly think of you. I can’t explain it. My mind doesn’t get it but my body just reacts.”
在时间流逝里，我想传递什么价值？很多年我都不清楚。直到有天，灵子困惑地说：“你长得那么不好看，我怎么就这么喜欢你？”她说她的理性不理解，但身体就是那样反应。
I was eating a pastry and mumbled, “That’s great!” She tried to look at herself from outside, like an actor stepping offstage to watch the playback.
我正吃着饼，只能含糊地说：“这非常好啊！”她试着跳出自己，从更客观的角度理解自己的行为和情绪。
After a while she said, “Sweetheart, this is built by you. I didn’t do anything. I’ve just been relying on you, seeking comfort. It feels like I only got lucky. If it were someone else, it wouldn’t be like this. Our relationship is like this because you built it.” Then she asked, “Why do I get to enjoy this without effort?”
她思考后说：“甜心，这是你一手构建出来的。我没做什么，是你让关系这样好的。我啥都不用干就坐享其成，这是凭啥呢？”
The truth is simple: it’s random. If I didn’t meet her, I would have met someone else. And what I’d offer would have been the same—safety, honesty, equality, closeness, freedom. No games, no threats, no hidden traps. “If you want to go, I won’t stop you. If you want to come, I’ll meet you even in the rain.”
根本原因是随机事件。我不遇上灵子，也会遇上别人，而我提供的东西相似——安全、坦诚、平等、亲密、自由，没有威胁和操弄，“要走不送，要来风雨里接”。
I asked her to imagine the kind of soul that can build such a bond. But then I fell into thought. I realized: I really did build this. For almost two years, this relationship has been good for both of us. I never thought of it this way. But now I see: I can spread happiness.
我让她去想能构建这种关系的灵魂是什么样，而我却陷入了沉思。我发现：诶，我真的构建出了这样的关系。这段两年的关系让我们都很好。我从前没有意识到，我竟然能传播幸福。
So what do I want to pass on? I still don’t fully know. But I see one thing clearly now: I am happy, and I can make happiness spread. The world holds countless kinds of suffering. I can’t save anyone except myself. Maybe writing about life and happiness is enough. Who knows—maybe some reader lost in misfortune will be nudged onto their own path.
再回头看那个疑惑：我想传递什么价值？我仍不清楚。但我看清了一点：我本身是幸福的，我能传播幸福。世间不幸千万，我谁也救不了，除了我自己。也许书写生活与幸福，就是一种价值；也许能击中某种不幸，让一个人走向自己的幸福。
Lingzi said I built this relationship myself. I’m glad. At least now, I’m happy. This bond enriches my life. It’s not a burden or a shadow. If value means anything, then this is it: in a short life, giving each other something good.
灵子说我一手构建了这段关系，我很开心。至少现在，我是幸福的。这段亲密关系滋养了我的生活，没有成为负担或阴影。如果价值有什么意义，那就是让彼此在有限生命中体验到好的东西。
Because I cherish myself, death, time, and value are now linked in me. Maybe in the years ahead, I’ll find more ways to link them still.
因我珍爱自己，死亡、时间、价值，被我串了起来。在有限的生涯里，也许我还能在更多地方把它们串联起来。