In the lingering chill of February, I had an idea.
寒气未散的二月里，我有了一个想象。
There should be a 3D website. It would have a dozen islands. Each island would have over twenty 3D models, arranged in some logical order. Each object would float up a word root, and after the root, some derivatives.
应该有这样一个3D网站，它有十几个岛屿。每个岛有二十多个3D模型，以某种有序的方式贯穿起来，每个物品可以浮现词根，词根之后是一些衍生词。
I spent a few days sorting through hundreds of roots, trying to categorize them and build imagery. The AI couldn't handle it well; the results were unsatisfactory. So I switched to building a prototype of the site instead. A few days later, I got it running, but it was just an empty shell with no actual models to fill it.
我先花几天整理几百个词根，试图分类并建立意象，但AI处理不好，不尽人意。于是我转而先搭建网站雏形，几天后跑通，却只是个空壳，没有实际模型填充。
I gathered a batch of 3D assets, but assembling them fell apart. So I started learning Blender to make my own models. Modeling was too slow. Using AI for collaboration wasn't efficient enough. I tried running private models in the cloud, but the results were still not ideal. The resources I collected were too large; the webpage couldn't load them. So I had to keep learning how to simplify models. The original dataset was also imperfect. I scoured GitHub for alternatives, found nothing, and had to go back to the original data, cleaning it over and over with scripts.
我找来一批3D资源，但组装溃不成形，于是接触Blender学建模。建模又太慢，共有AI效率也不够，我尝试云端跑私有模型，结果仍不理想。搜集的资源太大，网页加载不了，只好继续学简化模型。原数据集也不完善，我在GitHub翻找替代品，却一无所获，只得用回原数据，用脚本程序反复清洗。
I tucked a book behind my waist, like a gun I could draw at any moment. Read books, watched tutorials, imagined, got excited, developed, got disappointed, imagined again, got excited again, got disappointed again. Round and round.
我把书别在腰后，像别了一把随时能掏出来的枪。看书，看教程，想象，兴奋，开发，失落，再想象，再兴奋，再失落，兜兜转转。
Now I look up. In March, the Bauhinia blossoms have bloomed all along the street.
现在抬起头来，三月的紫荆花开了一长街。
Do I like development and building? Do I love doing this?
我喜欢开发和建构吗，我热爱做这件事吗？
I don't love it. To be honest, I don't love anything. People, things, objects, myself—not a single one. I immerse myself in imagination, programming, and modeling, rack my brains trying this and adjusting that, even letting the whole thing flow through my body with unprecedented focus, forgetting time. And still, I don't love it.
我不热爱，诚实地说，我什么也不热爱。人、事、物，连同自己，没有一件。我沉浸在想象、编程和建模里，绞尽脑汁左试右调，乃至让整件事从身体流过，前所未有地专注，忘记时间，我也不热爱。
I don't care about vocabulary and concepts. I care about how to get something done, and the feeling it gives me when it happens.
我不关心词汇和概念，而关心如何做成一件事，以及事情发生给我的感受。
I don't have skilled enough technology to support my imagination. For half a year, I've often been in a cycle of learning and practicing, thinking and feeling about how one truly masters a skill.
我没有足够熟练的技术支撑想象，半年来，我常常在学习和练习中，思考和感受如何才能精通一项技术。
I haven't mastered any skill. I don't want to hear anyone else tell me how to master something anymore. I want mastery to happen to me. I want to know what it actually feels like.
我没有精通任何技术，我不想再听别人告诉我如何精通，而想要精通就发生在我身上，想知道精通后到底是什么感受。
My brain has traveled a long road. I can't tell if it's taken many detours. I rely on my brain, yet I'm constrained by its chaos and its limited processing power.
我的大脑走了很长的路，分不清是否走过很多弯路。我依靠大脑，又受限于它的混乱和算力。
Whenever I ask myself, is this my limit? I always say no. Yet, I have to admit, the process is hard. What I think is progress is often an illusion.
每当问自己，这是我的极限了吗？我总给出否定。然而，不得不承认，这个过程很艰难，自以为的进步常常是幻觉。
At night, the fragrance from the roadside fruit trees fills the air. The white flowers seem like self-luminous moons.
夜里，路边果树飘香弥漫，白色的花仿佛一朵朵自发光的月。
I don't know what a flower feels when it blossoms.
不知道花盛开时，它有什么感受。
I want to know what I will feel when I finally blossom.
我想知道自己盛开时，是什么感受。