I rarely get angry. In thirty years, I can count the times on one hand.
我很少发火，三十年间屈指可数。
Recently, I lost it. At a client.
最近发了一次，还是对业主单位。
Usually, you cooperate with the client-daddy. Meet their demands. Avoid damaging the business.
通常来说，对甲方爸爸要配合工作，满足对方要求，避免业务受损。
That's how I've always done it. Most of the time, I just reply "Noted," "Okay," trying hard to keep any feeling out of it. This time, I couldn't hold back. The other side made me revise the settlement statement too many times. Finally, I said: "Lady, for fuck's sake, don't treat me like a donkey to be ground down, alright? You're rubbing my face in the dirt."
我向来这么干，很多时候便回复：“收到”、“好的”，尽可能不带情绪。只是这次我没忍住，对方让我把结算单改太多次了，最后我说：“大姐你他妈不要把我当成驴那样子去磨啊，好不好？把我按在地上摩擦。”
I'm like a feather duster. Fluffy, soft. But there's a bone running through it. The last person to hit that bone was my father. Out of good intentions, he'd always check in on you. But the volume of that care? Three calls a day—morning, noon, and night. If he couldn't reach you, he'd get others to find you indirectly.
我像一根鸡毛掸子。毛茸茸，松松软软，但其中有一条骨。上上次触碰到这条骨的人，是老爹。出于好意他总会来关心你，可关心的量嘛，早中晚三通电话，找不到人，就让其他人间接找。
I really couldn't stand that near-controlling concern. We had a fight that day. He sat on the sofa, sighing with disappointment: "When I'm dead, you'll realize no one will care about you like I do. And you don't even appreciate it."
我实在受不了这种近乎控制的关心，那天吵了一番。他坐沙发上，失望地感叹：“等我死了，你就知道没有人像我这样关心你，你还不知道珍惜。”
I'd thought about that before the fight. Just like I'd thought about the consequences before yelling at the client.
在那之前我考虑过这个问题，正如骂业主之前我考虑过骂对方的后果。
Sure. Some people only regret not cherishing someone's presence after they're gone. But my conclusion, after thinking, was: no regret. I never wanted him to call me that much. I really wish he could learn from my mom. My mom, in this life, besides raising me, more importantly gave me ample freedom.
可不是嘛，有些人离开之后才后悔不珍惜他的存在。可思考的结论是，不后悔，我始终不希望他一直给我打电话。我很希望他能向我妈学习，我妈这辈子除了养育我，更重要的是给了我充分的自由。
In my heart, paternal love, maternal love, and the love of other relatives exist like a backdrop. They deliver the necessary nutrients through economics. They've already done well. They don't need to do more for me. If that extra doing pokes my bone, it's even worse.
在我心里，父爱、母爱以及其他亲属的爱，是背景一般的存在，以经济来降落必要的养分。他们已经做得很好了，不需要再为我多做什么。要是多做的事情戳到我的骨，就更不好。
This bone took shape during my time away at school. It was formed by the nutrients of humanism, components like dignity and freedom. Each time I'm squeezed enough to get angry, I perceive its existence more clearly. Getting angry usually doesn't mean much. But it does have one benefit. It's not to show others my stance. It's to tell myself: this is the stance I should have.
这条骨在外出求学中逐渐成型，是人文主义的养分塑造了它，是尊严、自由之类的成分。当我一次次被挤占到发了火，就越能清晰地觉察到它的存在。发火通常没有很多意义，不过确实有一点好处，不是告诉别人我的姿态，而是告诉自己：这是我应有的姿态。
I collect discontent. Discontent makes you think about what you don't want. It reminds you to act, to grow, to break free.
我收集着不满，不满令人思考不想要什么，提醒我去行动，去发育，去摆脱。
I admire my own anger, that outward push, the tension of a little conflict. I also admire my own restraint—replying "Noted," "Okay," getting things done quietly, striving to do a bit of my own thing.
我欣赏自己发火，往外撞，发生点冲突的张力。也欣赏自己发“收到”、“好的”、不声不响把事干完、争取做点自己事情的内敛。
If you came back and asked me, do I really know the consequences of getting angry? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure.
若你折回来问我，当真知道发火的后果？说实话，我不是很有谱。
What I know is that beneath the anger, there's no fear of the consequences. Underneath that, besides the tension in that bone I mentioned, there's another driving force.
我知道的是发火之下没有对后果的惧怕，那底层里除了前述骨子张力，还有一部分驱动。
Curiosity.
就是好奇。
A damn, pure, natural current that flows faintly, hard to explain, that occasionally surfaces.
天杀的一股纯天然隐隐流淌难以说清偶尔会冒出来的东西。