I. The Awakening (觉醒)
I have only read The Moon and Sixpence once. It was the spring of 2014, not long after I had freed myself from the donkey-grinding mill of high school.
《月亮与六便士》我只读过一遍，那是2014年的春天，我从如驴拉磨的高中时代里解脱出来不久。
My life often has some clear turning points. This book is one of them. Some books are like joke collections; they leave you happy and relaxed—that touches a person's sensibility. Some are knowledge-based; they make you have sudden realizations—that touches a person's rationality. Then there's another kind, which could be said to awaken the person inside the flesh. That touches a person's soul. For a while after reading it, I had a distinct feeling, like waking from a deep sleep. This waking wasn't the reluctant kind, where you just want to sleep and are forced to wake. It was the kind you had always longed for, finally breaking a curse.
我的人生常常有一些明显的转折点，这本书是其中一个。有一类书如笑话集，读完会令人愉悦轻松，这是触及到人的感性，有的书如知识类的，会让人醍醐灌顶豁然开朗，这是触及人的理性，还有一类，可以说唤醒肉体之内的那个人，这是触及人的灵魂。读完它的那段时间里，我有一种很明显的感受，如从沉睡中醒来。这种醒，不是只想沉睡、不想醒来、迫不得已的醒，而是一直渴望醒来、终于解除诅咒的醒。
II. The Unflinching Protagonist (主人公的绝情)
Years later, I can still remember its outline. The story's protagonist is Charles Strickland, a London stockbroker with a stable career and a happy family. In his thirties, he decides to "abandon" his career, family, and property, and go to Paris alone. Generally speaking, a proper trip to clear one's head is fine. People try to persuade him to come back. But the only sentence they can squeeze out of him is: "I want to learn to paint." Fine, learn to paint. That doesn't mean never going home again, right? The strange thing is here. No matter how they reason, he refuses to return to London. He says he has left all his property to his wife and children, and the children are grown, his responsibility fulfilled. The rest of the road they should walk themselves. Later, the guy stays in Paris, painting while working as a tour guide or doing odd jobs to survive. Later, he can paint, but no one appreciates his work except for a portly art dealer. This dealer, when Strickland is destitute, sick, and near death, takes him into his home despite his wife's objections. After recovering, Strickland takes over the dealer's wife and studio. The kind and great dealer leaves the house and wife to the two and wanders outside. Later, Strickland abandons the dealer's wife, goes to an isolated island, and lives with a primitive tribe, creating a series of great works during that time.
时隔多年，我还能记住它的轮廓。故事的主人公，叫思特里克兰德，伦敦的一位股票经纪人，事业稳定，家庭幸福，三十多岁时决定“舍弃”事业和家庭、财产，只身前往巴黎。一般而言，适当的旅行散心无可非议，人们试图去劝回他，但是千方百计从他嘴里抠出来的，只有一句话，那就是“我想学画画”。学画画也行啊，总不至于再也不回家了吧，奇怪就奇怪在这里，无论如何劝解，他始终不愿意再回伦敦，他说，财产已经都留给妻子和孩子，而且孩子已长大，他的责任也尽到，剩下的路他们应当自己去走。之后，那厮留在巴黎，边学画画边当导游，或干点杂货维生。后来能作画，但始终无人赏识，除了一位大腹便便的画商。这位画商在其穷困潦倒、患病濒死之际，不顾妻子的反对，将其接济到家中。那厮痊愈后，霸占了画商的妻子和画室。善良而伟大的画商把房子和妻子留给二人，在外面流浪。后来那厮抛弃画商的妻子，前往孤岛，和原始部落的居民生活在一起，期间创作出一系列伟大的作品。
The protagonist's prototype is the French Post-Impressionist painter Paul Gauguin. Although his real-life experience differs from Maugham's story, it's based on something, which undoubtedly increased my interest in the tale. In this story, my attention always focuses on that sentence: "I want to learn to paint." Maugham describes it as an ideal; some readers might call it a dream. But I don't like those terms. I feel they're overused. Moreover, discussing the protagonist's unwavering pursuit of ideals and dreams misses the point. It's like a woman who can cook, is gentle and well-read. People think she's great, very willing to marry her. But these are just appearances. What's truly good is the soul behind these qualities. I kept thinking: why did Strickland have to abandon his family and go to Paris to learn painting? What kind of soul lay behind that, so ruthless and contrary to the world? I thought about this, and it later turned into interrogation. Not interrogating anyone, but interrogating myself. As if I were that broker still working at the exchange, that once somewhat timid and reticent Strickland.
主人公的原型是法国后印象派画家高更，尽管他的经历和毛姆笔下的故事有一定的区别，但毕竟是有依据的，这无疑增添了我对这个故事的兴趣。而在这个故事里，我的注意力始终聚焦在那句“我想学画画”。毛姆把它描述成理想，一些读者会认为它是梦想。不过我不喜欢用这些词，我觉得它们被用烂了，而且认为，谈论主人公矢志不渝地追逐理想和梦想，未踩到重点上。这就好比，一个女人会做饭烧菜，待人温和还知书达理，人们觉得她很不错，极愿意娶其回家。但是这些仅是表象，真正好的是这些品质背后的灵魂。我一遍遍地想，为什么思特里克兰德一定要抛家弃子去巴黎学画画，那背后到底是一颗怎样的灵魂，竟为何如此绝情反世。我如此想着，后来演变成了质问，不是质问谁，而是质问我自己，仿佛我是那个仍在交易所上着班的经纪人，那个曾经有些唯唯诺诺寡言少语的思特里克兰德。
III. Breaking the Collective Curse (挣脱集体的诅咒)
After The Moon and Sixpence, I realized the self could be taken to such an extreme. That thing called "I" could be so savage, primitive, and fearless. I had always thought, and I dare say it was the default in our civilized society's context too, that the individual's self should not conflict with society. It could have interests, hobbies, and other thoughts, but it must not violate the public order and good customs for which one is responsible to others. And "others" includes not just family and friends, but also family as a unit, the collective, society, even the nation. Whether in Eastern or Western cultural contexts, fulfilling responsibility and love for "others" has always been praised. But what about ourselves? That "I"? If there's a conflict between oneself and others, is the only option compromise and reconciliation? Imagine this scene: in a manor, a group of slaves are scattered in the fields picking cotton under a blazing sun, while the overseer laughs and chatters in the shade of a tree. All the slaves are conscientious. They have an unwritten belief in their hearts: serving the overseer and the plantation owner well is what should be done; the opportunity to work in the field is a gift from them. In this sense, the self of each of us individuals is that group of slaves toiling under the sun, feeling grateful. What enslaves us is our collectivist thinking. I saw Strickland throw down his basket and say, "Fuck you, I quit, I'm going to chase the sun." He stood up and stepped over the fence of public order and good customs. I was stunned. I had always believed you couldn't stop working without the collective's command, let alone step over the fence. That receding figure wasn't great, but it was radiant. From then on, I knew the "I" inside me possessed immense authority and freedom. It could even step over any framework of the collective and society, walking freely on the earth in spirit, not groveling under the collective will.
在《月亮与六便士》之后，我才认识到自我原来可以极致到这种程度，那个称之为“我”的事物，竟可以如此野蛮原始、无所畏惧。而我向来以为，我还敢说，在我们文明社会语境里，也同样是如此默认：个体的自我不应当与社会相冲突，它可以有兴趣、爱好以及其他想法，但是它不可违背对他人负有责任的公序良俗，而“他人”，不仅是亲人、朋友，还可以是家庭、集体、社会，乃至国家 。不管是在东方文化语境里还是在西方，履行对“他人”的责任和爱从来都是被歌颂的品质。但是，我们自己呢？那个我呢？如果对自己与对他人相冲突，是不是只有折中和调和？想象这样一个场景：在一处庄园里，一群奴隶散落在田地里摘棉花，烈日当头，监工在树下乘凉笑声喋喋。所有的奴隶都很自觉，他们心中有着不成文的理念，那就是服务好监工和庄园主是应当做好的，在地里工作的机会乃是监工和庄园主恩赐。从这个意义而言，我们每个个体的自我，就是那群顶着烈日还感恩戴德的奴隶，而奴隶我们的，正是我们的集体主义思想。我看着思特里克兰德丢掉篓子，说去你妈的，我不干了，我要逐日。他站了起来，跨过公序良俗的栅栏。我目瞪口呆啊，我也一直认为没有集体的指令，可不能停下手中的活，更不可跨过栅栏。那个远去的背影，并不伟大，但是很光辉。我至此知道，我身体里的“我”，它拥有极大的权限与自由，它甚至可以跨越集体和社会的任何条框，精神自由地行走在大地之上，而不是匍匐在集体意志之下。
IV. From Inferiority to Selfhood (从自卑到自我性)
After it, my self, which had been cursed into a deep sleep, began to awaken. The curse repeated two words to me: inferiority. I wondered what that inferiority really was. Later I understood: the essence of inferiority is using the "social self" to criticize oneself. It's like splitting off another self, standing outside, joining others to point fingers at yourself: "You're no good at this, no good at that, useless." By joining others, we are essentially using the social evaluation system to judge ourselves. This system has been internalized in our hearts. Whenever we're not good enough, we "consciously" feel lousy. Whenever we don't conform to norms, we "consciously" adjust ourselves to obey. We think more about what kind of person we should become, what to do, what achievements to get, in order to be more popular and fit into the collective. We think more about how to win approval from others and society, and always neglect the existence of the "I." But we are born into the world, first as ourselves, then as children and siblings. After leaving the family, we become others' friends and relatives, members of collectives, citizens of society. In other words, a person is first himself, then his identities. We often put identity first, not the self. We often ask what we can do for others, what we can contribute to society. It seems we can only exist by constantly giving of ourselves to the outside world, creating value for it. But the question is, can we really only realize our value through the outside world? If so, when Gauguin, Van Gogh, and others created their excellent works, were they thinking about catering to the needs of the masses?
自它以后，我那被诅咒沉睡过去的自我开始觉醒。那咒语，反复对我叨念着自卑二字。我在想，那自卑到底是什么，后来明白，自卑的本质是用“社会的我”批判自己。宛如分裂出另外一个自己，站到外面去，伙同他人一起对自己指手画脚，“你这不行啊，那也不行啊，废物”。我们伙同他人，本质上是用社会评价体系来评判自己。这套社会评价体系，已内化到我们心中，但凡我们自己不够好，我们便会“自觉”很差劲，但凡我们不符合规范，我们会“自觉”调整自己服从规范。我们更多是思考为了更受欢迎更融入 集体，应该成为什么样的人，做什么事，取得什么成就，我们更多是思考如何博取他人和社会的认可，而总是忽略“我”的存在。可是我们降生于世间，最先是我们自己，接着才是子女和兄弟姐妹的身份，走出家庭后，才是他人的亲朋戚友、集体的成员、社会的公民。换言之，人先是他自己，其次才是身份。我们往往将身份置于第一顺位，而不是自己。我们常问能为他人做什么，问能为社会贡献什么，似乎只有不断对外奉献自己，为外界创造价值，我们才能存在。但问题是，我们真的只能通过外界才能实现自身存在的价值？如果是这样，那么高更、梵高等人在创作那些优秀作品时，想的可是迎合广大人民的的需求？
Before, I could be called a true red successor of socialism, with a heart caring for the collective. I was class monitor for many years in elementary school, even enthusiastic about public affairs in middle school. I didn't like individuality, didn't like opinions out of step. As mentioned earlier, my self had been trampled into the ground by inferiority again and again. That's not strange. I was a defender of norms. I "normed" others, of course also "normed" myself. I presumptuously hovered in the air, reviewing the others and myself below. With Maugham's hand, with The Moon and Sixpence, I dug myself out from the grave of collectivism.
以前，我可以说是根正苗红的社会主义接班人，怀着一颗关爱集体的热心，小学多年一直当班长，甚至中学还热衷公共事务。我不喜欢个性，不喜欢步调不一致的意见。而前面说道，我的自我曾被自卑一次次踩到地里去。这并不奇怪，我是规范的维护者，我“规范”别人，当然也“规范”自己，我自以为是地凌驾于空中审视下面的他人和自己。借助毛姆的手，借助《月亮与六便士》，我从集体主义的坟墓里，把自己挖了出来。
After The Moon and Sixpence, I began to change. I participated less and less in group activities. In university, the counselor had a meeting with class committee members, asking who in the class was difficult to deal with. The class monitor said: me. The monitor and I had a good relationship; he wasn't badmouthing me. That was just describing a fact—I skipped too many classes. I, who used to be one who singles out the defiant, turned into an unruly duck. The Moon and Sixpence became one of my life's turning points precisely because it moved me from collectivism to individual liberalism. Actually, I don't reject collectivism per se. To be precise, I reject collectivism that erases individual free will. One can choose to take on responsibility and fulfill obligations, even sacrifice oneself. But one must know they have the absolute freedom to choose. That is, at any time, they possess the right to refuse.
自《月亮与六便士》之后，我开始变了，越来越少参加集体活动。大学时，辅导员老师曾与班委开会，问谁是班上比较难搞定的人。班长说，是我。班长和我关系很好，他不是说我坏话，那仅是描述一个事实——我逃课太多了。我本是一个专打出头鸭的赶鸭人，转变成一只不受管束的鸭子。《月亮与六便士》，之所以成为我人生的转折点之一，便是它令我从集体主义，转到个人自由主义里去。其实，我并非排斥集体主义，准切地说我，我排斥的是抹掉个体自由意志的集体主义。人可以选择承担责任和履行义务，甚至可以牺牲自己，但是要知道，他拥有绝对自由的选择权利，亦即他在任何时候都拥有拒绝的权利。
After digging out my self, I began to shape it with my own hands. I felt less and less inferiority. Though I knew how others might view me, the social evaluation system was no longer internalized in my heart. I also gradually understood: I am not Gauguin, not Strickland. I am myself. I wouldn't abandon my family, but in essence, like them, the self is my subject. Around this subject are familial affection, friendship, family, work, responsibility, obligations. Later, I called this selfhood. At the same time, I listened more to the inner voice, not the outside one. I often asked myself: what kind of person am I really, what am I thinking, what do I want to do, what vision do I want to realize in this life, what is the substance of my pursuit. I gradually touched something that could be called longing, something that makes you restless, even angry. This longing was like a seed planted in my heart, gradually taking root and sprouting.
我把自我挖出来后，开始亲手塑造他。我越来越感知不到自卑，虽知道他人会如何看待自己，但社会评价体系不再内化于我心。我也渐渐明白，我不是高更，不是思特里克兰德，我是我自己，我不会舍弃家庭，但是本质上和他们一样，自我乃是我的主体，在这主体周围，才是亲情、友情，才是家庭、工作，才是责任、义务。后来，我把这称之为自我性。与此同时，我愈多地倾听内心的声音，而不是外界的，我常问自己，我到底是什么样的人，在想什么，想干什么，这一生想实现什么愿景，我的追求实质是在追求什么。我渐渐触碰到一种可以称为渴望的东西，一种令人坐立不安的东西，甚至会令人愤怒的东西。这种渴望如种子一般种在我心里，逐渐生根发芽。
V. The Concept of Wholeness (完整性的概念)
Later, regarding people, I built a framework called human wholeness. It includes selfhood, growth, and rationality. A person lacking selfhood—you can't see their existence. A person lacking growth—you can't see their will (longing) to develop themselves. A person lacking rationality—you can't see their ability to develop themselves. Wholeness isn't about perfection, being flawless. It's merely a mental state inclined to constantly transcend oneself. When a person lacks wholeness, they cannot enter that forward-charging state. Franklin said some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until seventy-five. In my view, a person's death is losing their wholeness. Some people are alive, but their selfhood is so low it's as if they are transparent, unaware of the "I." Only when wearing identities and roles does their "I" have a clear shape. When they take them off, they can't see their own existence, can't find the "I"'s longing and natural talent. The "I" remains shriveled. Or, with only the fierce fire of longing burning themselves, they stagnate in ignorance, trapped in incompetence. Clearly, Strickland was absolutely not perfect. He was selfish, ruthless, left his wife and children, took the helper's wife. But from another angle, Strickland was "whole." Whole in that he was a growing person. His true charm lies in that burgeoning, almost savage soul.
再后来关于人，我建起一个框架，叫人的完整性，它包括自我性、成长性和理性。缺乏自我性的人，你看不到他的存在，缺乏成长性的人，你看不到他发展自身的意愿（渴望），缺乏理性的人，你会看不到他发展自身的能力。所谓完整性，便是一个人他存在着，且有意愿、有能力发展自身。人的完整性并非意指完美、毫无缺陷，它仅是一种倾向不断超越自身的精神状态，当人缺乏完整性时，他便无法进入那种勇往直前的状态。富兰克林说，有的人二十五岁就死了，只是到七十五岁才埋葬。这句话在我看来，人的死是失去了完整性。有的人活着，但自我性很低，仿佛自身是透明的，意识不到“我”，唯有穿着身份和角色，他的“我”才有轮廓，当脱下它们，他们看不到自身的存在，找不到“我”的渴望和天赋，“我”仍是干瘪的，再或者，徒有渴望的烈火燃烧自己，停滞在无知之中，囚困在无能里。显然，思特里克兰德绝对不完美，他自私、无情，抛离妻儿，抢占救助者的妻子，但是从另一个角度而言，思特里克兰德是“完整”的，完整在于他是一个生长中的人，他真正的魅力，就在于他那颗蓬勃生长近乎野蛮的灵魂。
✍️ Postscript: On Strickland and Angels (后记)
I've strayed pretty damn far with the above. These understandings don't all come from The Moon and Sixpence, but I can definitely say they are inseparable from its initial nurturing. In this book, there's another character I admire: that clown-like art dealer. He is an angel. Talking about him could stray even further, but I don't want to talk about him yet. He is also in my heart. When the time comes, he will appear in my words, just like discussing Strickland now.
上述扯得就他妈很远了。这些认知，并非全来自《月亮与六便士》，但肯定可以地说，离不开它最初的浇灌。这本书里，还有一个令我欣赏的人物，那位小丑般的画商。他是天使，谈论他还能再扯远一些，但我还不想说他。他也在我心里，时机到了他会出现在我的言语里，就像如今谈论斯特里克兰德一样。