I used to have more than four hundred contacts on WeChat. Now I’ve cut them down to a little over seventy. The people I removed included relatives, friends, classmates, teachers, bosses, coworkers, and strangers. I don’t think of myself as someone who dislikes socializing, yet I still couldn’t help deleting them. I even plan to delete more. Any possible misunderstanding, annoyance, anger, or broken ties—none of that really bothers me.
我微信原来有四百多号人，现在已经被我删到了只剩七十多。被删掉的人，有亲戚、朋友、同学、老师、领导、同事、陌生人等等。我自认为是一个不厌恶社交的人，但我还是忍不住要删掉。我还打算删掉更多微信联系人，由此可能带来的误解、厌恶、愤怒、断绝等，无所谓在意与否。
I don’t believe life must always drag us around. I believe we have more choices than we think. Some friends said, “Just keep them. Why delete?” But I don’t want them sitting there. I don’t want these vague connections, and I don’t want to peek into their lives. If politeness is the only reason to keep them, then politeness will always keep me from making other choices. Yes, deleting someone unilaterally is rude. But since I have the right to do it and I’m willing to accept the negative consequences, politeness isn't what I care about anymore.
我不是很相信一个人的生活必定身不由己和备受牵扯，更不相信没得选。有朋友说，留着呗，删了干嘛？可我不想让他们存在在那儿，我想砍掉这些若有若无的联系，也不想去偷窥他们的生活。我想过，如果因为礼貌而留着这些联系人，我始终会因为礼貌而不敢做出其他的决定。单方面删除的确是不礼貌的，只是对不起了，既然我有权也打算承担行为带来的负面影响，那礼不礼貌就不是我所关心的了。
Some people on Zhihu commented that what I did was rude and childish. But I didn’t feel attacked or upset. I don’t think my method is particularly clever, nor do I think their criticism is ignorant. From a social standpoint, their points make sense. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m happy with my decision. They’re not looking from where I stand, so they can’t feel what I feel. Different backgrounds lead to different judgments. I’ve always accepted that.
知友评论我这种做法没礼貌，幼稚。其实，我没有因此感到受攻击或有其他负面情绪。我并不认为这种的做法多高明，也不认为知友的批评多无知，从社交的角度而言，他们的批评是有道理的。但不影响我对这个的决定感到很满意，他们并非站在我的角度，自然没法感受到这种满意。在不同背景下做出不同的判断，这是客观的差异，我向来都承认这种差异的存在。
My reasons? First, experience taught me that most things in this world have nothing to do with me. My limited time and energy should go to what matters. The “80/20 rule” is really about focus. If I spend energy maintaining every small possible connection, I’ll be scattered to pieces.
我的行为背景是：首先，生活经历告诉我，这世界上有很多东西都与我无关，有限的时间和精力应放在重要的事物上。所谓二八定律，抓重点就是这样的思路。如果因为一件事物存在着与我有关的可能性，我就花费时间去维持与它的关系，那我的精力必定被无限分散。
Second, deleting someone on WeChat isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t equal cutting off contact. After I deleted some leaders and coworkers, they now just call me directly when they need something. The necessary connections remain—they just move to different channels. If you worry about seeming rude or giving the wrong impression, you can talk to them, or leave a note saying you don’t use WeChat much.
其次，删除好友并不是什么天大的事，因为它并不等同于断绝来往。事实上，自从我删除了一些领导和同事，他们需要找我的时候现在便直接给我打电话。该有的联系它还是会保持，只是不再通过微信这种方式而是其他方式。我们担心它是不礼貌的行为，认为删了会给人坏印象，当然可以通过说跟对方说一声，或者备注此号较少使用等方式来避免误会。
But these two reasons still aren’t the real reasons. They aren’t strong enough to justify deleting contacts. After all, I could just hide their Moments or block them from seeing mine. But that didn’t work. As long as they were there, I kept wanting to look at their posts—especially people I once liked, like old crushes.
以上两点，还不是最重要原因，还不能构成一定要删除好友的充分条件。毕竟不看他们的朋友圈或者不让他们看我的朋友圈，这样也不分散注意力。虽然这种做法我尝试过，发现行不通，只要他（她）们在，我就想去翻翻他们的朋友圈。当然这些人是一部分我曾经喜欢过的，比方说暗恋对象。
If someone has strong control of their attention, it wouldn’t matter whether the contacts stay or go. It’s like studying—if you’re fully absorbed, the outside world won’t distract you. I’m not that good. I can’t ignore things.
话说回来，如果对自身注意力控制得好的话，删不删除好友都不怎么影响，就如同一个人若能静心学习，沉迷其中，便不会被外部环境所影响。从这点来说，我是做的不够好，做不到无法忽视。
The real reason I deleted contacts is that I wanted to be decisive. And WeChat happened to be where I practiced that. At that time, I didn’t have freedom. I’d lost independence. Everything pulled at me. I couldn’t stand firmly in the world. Those irrelevant contacts became symbols—symbols of old ties I needed to break. Deleting them created a feeling of cutting off the past. It was me exercising choice, resisting pressure, and doing what I decided to do. That was the key factor.
那真正决定我删除好友的原因，其实是我想要一些坚决，而这种坚决碰巧是拿微信好友来开刷。那段时间里，我没有了自由，失去了独立，总备受左右和牵扯，我无法干干净净地立在世上。那时，那些无关紧要的联系方式，在我看来它已不仅仅是一种联系方式，而是一种象征，象征着过去的旧关系，我想扯断这些关系，选择新的关系。删除这个行为，能给我营造出一种砍掉旧关系的坚决，我在行使我的选择权，我在选某一个选项时，我能顶住外在压力和舆论去做决定。最后的这一点，应该是我删除微信好友的决定性因素。
2021 年 8 月 1 日追更
Two years passed. My contacts are back to almost four hundred. Some of the ones I deleted eventually added me back. But I still think what I did was right. The core of that decision was independence, courage, and resolve. After deleting contacts, I quit my job at a central SOE where I’d worked for three years. And then I spent almost a year resting—sorting my notes, journals, and tracing how my thinking had changed. I tore down old ideas and rebuilt my worldview. Looking back, that might have been a turning point in my life. I shifted from passive to active. I began walking at my own pace. Those rebuilt ideas became roots. I felt myself growing, like a tree digging downward. But that’s another topic.
现在已经过去两年，我好友数量又重回了将近四百。其中一部分是那些被删除后又重新加回来的。不过这件事在我现在看来，还是正确的，我当初删除好友的内核是想要独立自主，想要勇敢与坚决，删除好友过一段时间，我还辞职离开了工作三年的央企。删除好友和离职后，我将近有一年时间停歇下来，重新整理了过去的学习笔记和生活日记，整理自身思想的变化过程，我开始推倒以前的一些观念，重新构建个人的认知体系和三观底层。如果我没有判断错的话，这是我一生的重要分水岭，我的人生开始由被动转向主动，我开始走出了自己的人生节奏，那认知体系建设和底层观念重构，正在成为我成长的后劲，我感到自身正像一个树在生长，在向下扎根。扯这些，已然是另一个话题了。
Back to the topic: deleting contacts. Standing here two years later, I’d still say this—focus less on politeness and more on your own growth. Listen to your inner needs. If deleting contacts helps you grow or return to yourself, then it’s fine. Politeness should come second. And beyond this topic, I’d say the same about many decisions: don’t overlook yourself. At the end of the day, the one responsible for your life is you.
回到删除好友的话题，站在两年后的现在，我还是建议大家：比起关注礼貌性问题，更应该关注自身的成长，关注内心的需要，如果删除好友能帮助自身成长，能够帮助我们回归内心，那么删除是没有问题的，礼貌性应当次要考虑。当然，撇开这个话题，在很多决策上，我依然建议大家不要忽略自身。毕竟我们的人生，到头来要负责的对象，是我们自己。
2023 年 5 月 5 日追更
Recently someone messaged me on Zhihu. With permission, I’m sharing part of it here:
最近有知友在私信，经同意把问题贴上来：
“I read your post about deleting contacts. I wish I could talk with you. It feels like it would help my growth. I’m often stuck on cognitive issues. I delete people impulsively when I’m emotional. Later I regret it, feel guilty, add them back, or don’t dare to. I get caught in cycles: overthinking → finding my own faults → guilt → apology or internal conflict. It’s exhausting. I can’t focus on what I should do. I blame myself, fear being disliked, fear consequences. Your post inspired me, but I can’t escape the guilt of doing something good for myself that might hurt others. I feel it’s my problem. If possible, I hope for your guidance.” 最近有知友在私信，经同意把问题贴上来：你好，我看了你知乎的一篇单向删除微信好友的回答，感觉如果有幸可以和你聊一聊的话，这对于我来说会是很大的一个成长。我时常被认知相关的问题所困扰，如果你有空也愿意的话，希望我们可以聊一聊，或者说是我单方面的请教。我也曾因为自己的情绪问题，更多是因为情绪不好时的冲动，删除了很多好友。在那样的情景下，我认为应该删除，但是过了那个情景我会反思，同样体会到了自己的冲动，没礼貌。之后也加了一部分回来，还有一些因为各种原因没加回来。这个过程我觉得很心累，但是依然过不去心理那关，觉得是我的问题我应该加回来应该道歉。我的生活总是被反刍-在所发生的事情里找出自己的问题-愧疚想道歉-道歉或者内耗里循环，为此我没法集中注意力做该做的事情，总是不开心低落愧疚。也在努力寻找解决办法，感觉到是自己的认知缺陷或者人格缺陷，总把一些事想得糟糕或者无限放大一些事情的后果，害怕被人讨厌，害怕承担后果。看了你的回答，对我来说有启发。但是还是摆脱不了为了自己更好但是有可能会伤害到别人的愧疚思维。如果可以的话，希望可以指点我一二。
A K: Your private message not only mentions the surface issues—"impulsiveness," "rumination," "internal friction," "fear of being disliked"—but if you look closely, you also bring up the deeper problems beneath them: "cognitive defect" and "personality defect." I don't know how you view these two problems, but in my opinion, they are core, profound, and universal, appearing in all matters of psychology, growth, and even life itself. It's excellent that you identified them so well.
阿K：私信里不仅提到那些表面问题：“情绪冲动”“反刍”“内耗”“害怕讨厌”。仔细看的话，还可以发现你把它们底下更深层的问题也丢出来：“认知缺陷”、“人格缺陷”。我不知道这两个问题在你看来是如何，在我看来，它们核心、深刻而普遍，在所有的心理、成长、甚至人生问题上，都能找到它们的身影。你踩得真好，这就很棒了。
I once wanted to build a system to understand and manage my life. A person in the world is like a boat at sea, with a captain, first officer, sailors, a cook. Who are those roles? Believe it or not, the captain and first officer—the ones actually steering the ship—are personality and cognition, or self and reason.
我曾经想建一个系统，来理解和管理自己的生活。人在天地间，仿佛一条船在大海里航行。船上有船长、大副、水手、厨子等，那么他们分别应该是谁？说你不信，掌握整条船控制权的船长和大副，我认为就是人格和认知，或者说是自我和理性。
Thoreau’s idea of “the whole person” also influenced me. To be whole, one must see oneself, want to grow, and be able to grow. Seeing oneself is selfhood. Wanting to grow is desire. Growing is reason. Again: self and reason. And you’ve already stepped on both. Not bad.
我还从梭罗“人的完整性”思想那儿得到启发，认为人的完整至少包括三个点。人看到自身，且有意愿、有能力发展自身，如此才是完整的人。在我看来，人能看到自身，即拥有自我，发展自身的意愿，则是渴望，发展自身的能力，就是理性。还是自我和理性，看吧，你说你是不是踩得很好。
Let’s start with guilt and fear of being disliked. They both point to the same thing: the self, or specifically, the desire for external approval. It’s not inherently wrong. Humans evolved to need group acceptance. We don’t have to learn how to want approval; it happens naturally.
关于你身上的这两点，先从愧疚思维和害怕讨厌说起。这两个点都指向同一个点，即自我问题，具体说就是渴望或者说希望得到外部的认可和接纳。这本也不是问题，毕竟人在群体中，多少需要得到认可和接纳，被群体接纳和认可显然比被孤立更有利于生存，这似乎是人类进化而来的生存策略，刻在基因里。我们几乎不用刻意学习“如何去想”被群体接纳，就自发“本能地想”被接纳。
What we actually need to learn is the opposite: how not to care too much. The problem is always excess. When we bend too far toward the group, we lose ourselves. The outward form remains, but something essential disappears.
相反，我们几乎需要刻意学习“如何不想”，学习“如何不在意”。问题就在这，在于过犹不及，在于我们过分地谄媚群体，结果就是失去自我。自我如灵魂和贞操，尽管还有什么东西在，但似乎已经失去了什么。
Psychology calls this “social domestication.” The group’s values get internalized. We judge ourselves through the eyes of others. Their will replaces ours.
在谄媚群体上，人之所以会失去自我，在于当我们去谄媚群体、渴望被接纳时，我们会用外部评价体系作自我审视，自我检点，纠察我们自身不符合外部评价体系的观念和举动，“我”的尊严和意志消失了，“他”的意志显现在那。在群体和社会中生活，那套外部评价体系已经内化在我们心里。有朋友告诉我在心理学上，这叫社会驯化。
I grew up different from you. You lean toward pleasing others; I leaned toward inferiority. But the essence is the same. Too much weight on external judgment. Too much domestication. Too little self.
在我的成长经历里，遇到的问题和你不同，你的偏向讨好一些，我的偏向自卑一些，但本质上都是外部评价体系内化、社会驯化、谄媚群体，从而缺失自我，人格出现缺陷。
A book that deeply influenced me during my own recovery was The Moon and Sixpence. Before reading it, I’d already built years of self-awareness. Those insights collected like a lake blocked by debris. Then that book poked a hole, and everything finally flowed.
现在的我，和以前就不太一样了，可能我本就属于自我的一类人，因为一些思考和阅读从而回归原来的属性。在自我修复过程中，对我影响很大的一本书是《月亮和六便士》。关于它的影响，我前段时间还写过一篇读后感，你感兴趣的话可以去知乎看看，也许能得到一些启发。不过有一点需要补充，在阅读那书之前，我有过不少的自我觉察。这些自我觉察，如雨水细流，年深月久积成了堰塞湖，直到某个时间点那本书捅破了一个洞，便一泻千里。
If you want to improve your personality, the first step is self-awareness. Notice how external standards shape you. Notice how you get squeezed. Notice your dignity, your will, what you want, and whether you want freedom.
在人格完善的问题上，有啥方法和建议的话，那就是自我觉察。觉察那些外部评价体系如何影响自己，觉察自己如何被挤压，觉察自己的尊严和意志，觉察她想要什么，觉察她是否想要解放。
Hopkins said emotional intelligence means making others and yourself comfortable. If others feel good but you suffer, that’s not emotional intelligence—it's stupidity. Brutal wording, but true. Don't ignore yourself. Build the self first, then handle society.
霍普金斯有个很棒的观点，他说情商一定是让别人和自己都舒服。如果让别人舒服，自己却很痛苦，那不叫情商，叫智障。老头说得过于严重，但道理很清晰，就是不要忽视自己。其底层逻辑仍是建立自我，由内向外的顺序处理人与社会的关系，而不是由外向内委屈挤压自己。
Another book I keep revisiting is On the Road. It shaped an entire generation in America. Dylan treated it like scripture. Jobs worshipped it too.
我最近老是看一本书，那本书影响了美国整整一代人，鲍勃迪伦视其为圣经。他有个小迷弟，叫乔布斯，乔帮主我们知道，后来他又影响了这个世界。那本书就是凯鲁亚克的《在路上》。
If you read it, you'll see it's all messy living—drugs, sex, theft, endless road trips. It’s hard to understand why such a book changed a generation. But its power isn’t in “positive energy.” It’s in wildness—raw, untamed, instinctive freedom.
如果你读过这本书，你就发现很流水账，无非是一帮年轻人吸毒、乱性、偷盗、三番五次横穿北美大陆，十足垮掉地活着，很难理解这种书能影响一代人。在那之前，我了解过梭罗的一生，读过高更的故事，还听说过一些说法，如“野蛮人不会有心理问题”、“强健其体魄，野蛮其精神”。当我把这些全都放在一起时，才多少理解那本书为何能深刻影响一代人。那本书，有人认为是“永远在路上、永远热泪盈眶”的精神，我觉得不是，它不是什么伟光正的正能量，因为那就是垮掉的生活，而且即便是，也不值得吸食，因为“正能量”往往外强中干，很虚伪。在我看来，那本书的魅力，在于呈现了一种野性以及由它而来的自由。而这野性，和谄媚群体一样，也根植在我们的基因里，也恰恰和谄媚群体相反，它寻求独立、解放自我意志、不接受驯服，当然那也意味着可能导向自我放纵和欲望膨胀。野性不完美，而对于高度社会化的现代人来说，缺的不是文明，不是顺从和驯服，而是野性，而是依本性去生长，释放其自我意志的生活理念。
Nietzsche said every day without dancing is wasted. But his idea of “will to power” feels too much like dominance. Wildness feels better—like running through a forest without asking permission.
尼采的超人哲学，说人追求权力意志最大化，所以他老人家说每个不曾起舞的日子都是对生命的辜负。但是权力意志总给我要凌驾他人之感，我还是觉得野性更好，在丛林里野蛮地横冲直撞。
So besides self-awareness, grow your wildness. Be less obedient. Loosen the rules.
回到建议上，除了自我觉察，还有就是野蛮我们的心性，让心野一点，少一点规矩和服从。
If you still can’t escape the pull of external judgment, then the problem lies deeper—in worldview and cognition. My own thinking begins with death. Death resets everything—success and failure, pride and shame, joy and suffering. If everything ends, then no consequence is truly unbearable.
如果野性无法长起来，无法摆脱外部评价体系的影响，仍是依赖群体而生活，那估计是更深层的世界观和人生观的问题，这些问题也涉及到认知、理性。这方面，我有一些思考。首先是死亡，死亡是生命沉思的起点，所以我的思考是以死亡作为基点开始。当我意识到，死亡会终结一切，成就、挫败，得意、难堪，幸福、苦难，都会归零，那么就没有什么后果是不可承受的，因为后果连同我这个意识感知体，全都会被抹除掉。
Later I realized something else: the world is neutral. It doesn’t punish or reward. It simply runs its course. Pain and suffering aren’t objective truths—they’re often choices we make in how we interpret things. Between the world and our perception, there’s a free space. We overlook it.
其次，近三十年的生活观察，我曾一度认为人在世，很悲惨、孤独、寂寥，人承受了很多苦难而存在着。
后来我继续摸下去，发现底下还有一些真相，那就是：这个世界它是自在的，并不恶毒地惩罚人什么，也没有善良地赐予人什么，它是一个没有情感的世界，依照其法则在那运行，也就是说，苦难、痛苦并非真实存在，存在的是我们的感知，是我们往往线性地决定、条件反射地决定去痛苦去难受，而在世界和我们的意识之间，存在着我们常常忽略的自由地带，它允许我们面对某种外部事物，可以自由选择不同的姿态。
Once you see this, you realize many pains aren’t “real.” They’re choices. The world doesn’t trap us. We trap ourselves. Sartre said “hell is other people.” But maybe: I am hell. And also heaven.
这个视角让我摆脱了独断的感知，一件事情，它到底是幸福还是痛苦，并不唯一地取决它本身，还取决于我的意识选择。以这个视角看待世界，会发现很多心理痛苦并不是真实存在的，存在的是我对痛苦的选择，不是世界和他人令我痛苦，而是我的意识令我痛苦，困住我的不是世界，而是我自己。从这个来看，萨特说他人即地狱，应该换过来，我即地狱。当然，我亦可是天堂。
Try shifting between these two viewpoints. They might help.
你可以尝试一下用这个两个视角看待世界和人生，说不定对认知问题有所帮助。
Alright, enough. Any more and I’ll sound like an old man lecturing.
好啦好啦，不写了，再写就婆婆妈妈好为人师。