Around 2021, two friends of mine got married. I wanted to give them something, but all I could think of was a piece of writing—a sort of blessing. But it wasn’t really a blessing. It was more like a reflection. Later I felt it sounded too preachy, so I kept it. It stayed with me as something meant for myself. That’s the good thing about writing: it freezes a moment of awareness so you can later see how it changed. I think I should publish it now, as a record. And even now, in 2024, what I wrote back then still matches what I think about marriage. And though I’m not married yet, I’ve been using these ideas to shape my own relationship, and it’s brought me a kind of happiness that feels real.
大概在 2021 年时，我有一对朋友结婚了。我原本想送他们点什么，但最后只想到写一篇“祝语”。与其说是祝语，不如说是感悟与分享。后来觉得说教味太重，就没送出去。这篇文字便永远留在我这里，成了写给自己的内容。文字的好处在于，它能凝固某个意识的时点，让人看到意识的演变。我想，我应该把它发出来，当做一份记录。就目前而言，这篇“祝语”里体现的，仍是我在 2024 年对婚姻的基本看法。尽管我尚未步入婚姻，我已经按照它所描述的理念构建着现在的亲密关系，它给了我真实的幸福。
Here is the original message:
原文如下：
Newlywed Notes;
新婚寄语;
I’m disappointed in marriage.
我对婚姻是失望的。
This disappointment comes from outside the “fortress,” and from inside.
它来自围城外，也来自围城内。
From outside, I’ve seen marriages that exist only as a certificate—two people rarely live together, and when they do, it often ends in fights. I’ve seen couples who stayed together for decades, supporting each other, yet still couldn’t stand each other’s flaws. I’ve also seen people thrilled to get their certificate, only to tear it up a few years later. That’s just the marriage itself. Outside it lies a pile of extras—tradition, interests, in-laws, relatives—things that look reasonable but often feel unnecessary. From the inside, marriage is two people teaming up for daily life, raising children, sharing meals, sharing a bed, and continuing a bloodline. But all of this can happen without marriage. Two people can live together without it, and children born outside marriage are legal now. People say marriage offers moral and legal constraints, guaranteeing duty and responsibility. Yet people inside the fortress break those rules all the time in the name of freedom or happiness. Marriage feels like a low, fragile fence that stops the civilized and disciplined, those who already want to stay; but it never stops the wild or the leaving. What’s more reliable than the fence is the reason people hold it up—their own inner clarity and emotion. Without that, the fence is mostly decoration. In the end, marriage is often a reassurance for the families—a sign that their child has a “home.”
站在围城外，我见过婚姻只剩一纸凭证的，两人不常一起生活，见面就争吵。也见过相濡以沫几十年的，却依旧嫌对方碍眼。也见过兴高采烈领证的，几年后又撕毁的。这些是从婚姻本体来看；本体之外，还有传统、利益、婆媳、亲戚……看似合理却又多余的附加物。围城内呢，是两人搭伙过日子，合作养育后代，经营情爱与生活。但这些没有婚姻也能实现，非婚生子也能合法存在。婚姻说，它能带来道德和法律的约束，保证责任与义务的履行。但围城内的人们总能突破它、撕裂它，去寻找自由与幸福。它更像一圈脆弱的矮栅栏，拦得住文明、自律、依偎在一起的人，却拦不住野蛮、分离。比起婚姻的约束和提醒，更可靠的是人们内在的理智与情感；缺了这些，婚姻只是虚壳。最后留下的价值是给亲人一个交代，让他们安心，知道你有了归宿。
Before I grew disappointed, I did long for marriage. I envied people who had it. I thought their happiness was real and lasting—like the blessings people give: growing old together, loving each other all the way. But when I saw its non-essential nature, its fragility, the impurities inside it, and the conflicts and miseries, my disappointment grew. I asked myself: is marriage really useless? Of course not. It has value, or people wouldn’t rush to enter it. For example, the reassurance it gives parents has value. And many who enter marriage do gain some happiness. It’s just that I don’t care much about those kinds of value. Or maybe I believe marriage should mean more than that. Even though I’m disappointed in marriage, there is something I’m growing more drawn to. People often confuse it with marriage; they use marriage to replace it. But to me, it is something different, and it is this thing that gives marriage whatever real value it has. If two people find happiness, it doesn’t come from marriage. It comes from this.
在对婚姻失望之前，我也向往过它，也羡慕过他人的婚姻。我曾以为那些榜样式的婚姻如人们祝福的那样：百年好合、携手到老、幸福恩爱。但后来我看到它的不必要、脆弱、杂质，以及内部的不和谐与不幸，失望便一点点生长起来。我问过自己：婚姻真的一无是处吗？当然不是，它有它的价值，否则人们不会争着去结婚，比如给亲人安心，这本身就有意义；进入婚姻的人们也确实获得过幸福。只是这些，我不在乎；或者说，我觉得婚姻不该只有这些意义。尽管我对婚姻失望，但我对另一件事越来越向往。人们常把它与婚姻混为一谈，用婚姻来替代它。但在我看来，它完全是另一件事物，而且正是它让婚姻有了真正的价值。如果说两人之间的幸福来自某处，那不是婚姻，而是它。
That thing is deep connection.
它就是 俩人的深度联结。
This is something with real weight. But before I talk about it, I need to start from a basic fact I’ve observed: people are always alone. No relationship can erase that. Sometimes we don’t feel the loneliness only because we forget it—like forgetting the air around us. One day you may realize that even after many years, the person beside you still can’t fully understand you. It’s a sad truth. It feels like a built-in flaw in being human. But within this eternal gap, we can build a deep connection to pull ourselves as close as humans can get. I didn’t notice this until I experienced it.
这是极具意义的事物。但在谈论它前，要先说一个基本事实：人是孤独的，没有任何关系能消除这种孤独。有时我们不觉得孤独，只因为忘了它的存在，就像忘记空气一样。总有一天，你可能会发现，即使相处多年，对方仍无法真正理解你。这是残酷又不得不承认的事实，像天生的绝症。但在这永恒的距离里，我们可以构建深度联结，把彼此拉近到人类所能抵达的最靠近。我以前不曾发现它，直到我和他人产生了深度联结。
I found that this connection lives first in the mind. It’s not just seeing each other’s goals or growth. It’s seeing why those desires formed. It’s seeing the experiences and environment behind them. It’s not just seeing behavior or personality, but understanding the system under them. And here’s what I found: at the bottom, people are always different. And difference creates conflict. The only answer to difference is understanding and tolerance. Without that, relationships sit on sand made of shallow assumptions.
我发现，深度联结首先在思想层面。这不仅是看到对方追求什么、如何成长，还有为何追求、为何成长，是哪些经历与环境促成了那些方向。这不仅是看到对方的想法、性格、行为，更是理解支撑这些层面的底层系统。而当我看到这里，我发现人的底层总是不同的，而不同就必然产生矛盾。除了理解与包容，没有别的途径。如果没有这种深度理解与包容，任何关系都不过是建立在误解的流沙上。
It also lives in emotion. Not just “I like you” or “We get along.” It means asking what lies under those feelings. Like anchors on a dock—where exactly do you anchor yourself in the other person? People offer romantic answers, but different anchors hold up differently in storms. When we know each other’s anchors, we can ask whether they’re steady. We can ask whether better anchors exist. I don’t object to shallow anchors—many relationships begin there. But I believe people can find deeper, stronger ones. They decide how far two people can go together.
它同时存在于情感层面。不是停留在“我喜欢你”“我们合得来”这类印象，而是要探究这些印象背后到底是什么。像船的锚一样，对方究竟锚定在你身上的哪个点？浪漫的人会敷衍回答，但锚定点不同，决定着能不能撑过风浪。当我们坦诚地找出彼此的锚点后，我们还可以判断它是否稳固，以及是否有更值得锚定的地方。我不反对人们从浅层锚点开始，但我相信人们应该能找到深层且稳固的锚点，因为它决定关系能走多远。
If mental understanding is trying to know the other as an individual, then emotional investigation is trying to know the connection between you. And if those two are static moments, then deep connection is also dynamic. People change. The connection changes. The surface changes. The foundation changes. Without updating your understanding, the relationship gets stuck in the past—lost in a loop of stale assumptions.
如果思想层面的理解是试图理解“这个人”，那么情感层面的探究就是试图理解“我们”。如果前者是静态的、某个时点的，深度联结则还必须是动态的。人会变，关系会变，表层与底层都会变。倘若理解不能更新，关系便停在过去，停在自以为的幻象里，停在无成长性的枯燥循环里。
Deep connection is also about communication. One morning I overheard my parents arguing. Half awake, I heard my father say: “I love you, I protect you, I need you, I cherish you. But you never recognize me or support me.” They argued for a while. I forgot the rest, but not that sentence. I don’t know if my mother heard it. But I knew it was a sentence spoken from the soul, one he must have thought about many times on his quiet walks. I see couples hide things or lie, believing it keeps the peace. They don’t see the future bomb inside it. But when people are honest, the other often answers with emotion instead of soul—with irritation, moods, or logic. The soul tries to speak; the emotions cut it off. They cling to right and wrong. They make the other guess instead of speak. They forget they have the same goal: to spend their lives together. And yet they flip the whole relationship over a bowl not washed or a floor not swept. Deep connection works the opposite way. It never forgets the shared ground. It won’t let anger kick that ground away. It keeps the love inside the ground visible. It uses honesty and perspective-taking to close the gaps in communication.
深度联结当然还存在于交流中。有一天早晨，我爸妈在客厅吵架，我在半醒间听到我爸说：“我爱你，我护你，我需要你，我珍惜你，但你从不认可我、支持我。”吵了很久，但其他内容我都忘了，唯有这句记住了。我不知道我妈有没有听进去。但我知道，这样的话只能从灵魂里说出来，也知道这是他在一次次独自散步、闭目沉思中琢磨出来的。我看到很多人在关系里，以为隐瞒和撒谎能让关系更和谐，却不知道这正是矛盾的种子。可当人们坦诚相待时，对方往往让情绪来回答，而不是让灵魂回答；让脾气和理性来抢话，而不是让真正的爱说话。他们抓着是非不放，让对方猜测，而不是用真诚来交流。他们忘记了彼此的共同立场是想共度一生，却因为碗没洗、地没拖，把整个关系掀翻。深度联结的交流与此相反：它永远记得共同立场，不让沟通障碍把立场踢掉；它在立场中保留爱，用坦诚与换位消除误差。
These things—understanding, emotional anchoring, dynamic updates, honest communication—are what I’ve discovered so far. They are the way deep connection is built. They look complex, but every piece matters. Much of life’s meaning comes from deep relationships. No one escapes this. No one is satisfied with only shallow ties. Even those who seem cold or indifferent, even those who seem surrounded by love or friendship, will one day return to look for the depth they lack. If you someday build deep connection, I don’t think you will envy anyone else’s “perfect relationship” anymore. Because by then, your relationship will have rooted itself deep, growing in the way it’s meant to grow, toward its best form. You’ll know what “good” really means—not by watching others from afar, but by living inside it.
以上这些，便是我目前的发现，也是构建深度联结的一些方式。看起来繁琐，却没有一项不具有价值。人生中很大一部分意义来自人与人的深度关系，从来没有人跳得过去，也没有人对浅层关系感到满足。那些看似冷漠的人，那些看似拥有伴侣与友情的人，终究都会在深度匮乏处回头寻找。当你们有一天构建出深度联结时，我相信你们将不再羡慕任何看似美好的爱情关系，因为那时你们的关系已经扎根到深处，正以它该有的方式生长，朝它最好的一面生长。那时你们会真正理解“好”是什么，理解好之下的结构是什么，理解它经历了怎样的形成过程，而不是站在信息不对称处旁观别人。
To me, marriage is only a shell. I don’t believe people should stare at the shell as if it were the real fruit and then sit under it for shade. People should see deep connection, and know that this is the core. On that core, you can build marriage, children, family, warmth, and love. But without that core, no marriage—not even the most celebrated one—can take you to happiness. Build the core first. Add careful work on top of it. And then yes, I believe you can soften the rough and wild parts of human nature, withstand years of storms, walk through trouble and noise, and reach the land meant for the two of you.
依我看，婚姻本质上只是一个壳。我不看好婚姻，不认为人们应该盯着这个壳，把它当成修来的正果，然后在壳下乘凉。人们应该看到深度联结，明白它才是核心，是应当构建的东西。在这核心之上，当然可以结婚生育、组建家庭、构建温馨的生活。但倘若壳内没有核心，我不认为仅凭婚姻的虚名就能让人抵达幸福的土地。建立深度联结，再加上经营好上层生活，我就相信，大有可能；我也相信，它能温柔人之本性的粗糙与野蛮，能抵过岁月风雨，穿过世事烦扰，最终抵达属于你们的迦南之地。
I don’t have a better gift than this: to write down what I’ve learned about deep connection and give it to you.
没有什么更好的礼物能送给你们的，于是我把我关于深度联结的理解写下来，送给你们。
Happy wedding day.
新婚快乐。