Our company is small but does a hodgepodge of business. A handful of us handle several sectors, some still experimental—like selling rice via live stream.
我们公司很小但业务比较杂，几条枪干好几个板块的业务。有些还在摸索中。比如直播卖大米。
The rice is a local specialty from Zengcheng, Guangzhou—Silk Seed Rice, known as "the king of Chinese rice." We registered our own brand and control the quality ourselves. I'm not much to look at, but I've got a thick skin, so I became the streamer. I've been doing it on and off for a month.
米是广州增城本地的特产，丝苗米，号称“中国米中之王”。我们注册了一个品牌，自主把控品质。我本人形象一般，鉴于脸皮比较结实，就做了主播，断断续续播了一个月。
At first, we wanted to build a brand image, so we set up the live stream studio properly. We used a green screen to replace the background with promotional posters made by an ad agency. Only my upper body was on camera, positioned at the bottom of the frame. But then the computer overheated— the room's air vent was blocked. We had to move to another office, half the size of the first. That's where the problem started. In the cramped space, the camera was pointed straight at me, up close.
一开始我们的直播间想走品牌路线，因此把直播间布置像模像样，抠除绿幕，替换成找广告公司制作的宣传海报，我上半身出镜，显示在视觉界面下方。后来因为电脑散热不好，而房间出风口是不通风，只好搬去另一个办公室。后者要小一半，问题就在这。在狭窄的空间里，镜头就直直怼着我拍。
Friends who've met me in person will definitely remember me well: dark circles, sallow skin, and deep pigmentation on my neck. It's a rare skin condition called melanosis. Statistics show it usually affects coal miners or women who use inferior cosmetics. Strangely, I'm neither, yet I have it. It started when I was five and has progressed slowly over the years. So slowly that I can barely tell which areas have darkened.
见过我真人的朋友，肯定会对我印象深刻。黑眼圈、黄皮肤、颈部有较深的色素沉着。这是一种罕见的皮肤病，名为皮肤黑变病。病例统计的结果显示，它常出现在煤矿工人或者用了劣质化妆品的女性身上，奇怪的是我两者不沾，偏偏碰上了它。自我五岁起，它就开始存在，至今缓慢地发展着。不过它进程实在太过缓慢，几乎难以觉察它又在哪些部位加深了色素沉着。
In my early years, it troubled me deeply and changed the course of my life. That's a story for another day. I used to be calm during streams— I had a script in my head, rambled on smoothly, and could easily go on for an hour. I thought it was just from practice, a sign of good mental fortitude. But when the camera got up close that day, I realized there was more to it.
早年里，它给我很大的困扰，也深刻改变我的人生轨迹，这是另一个话题。我原本直播是很淡定的，稿在心里侃侃而谈，想到就说总能连贯串起，一个小时起是常有的水平。我以为这主要是重复的结果，心理素质不错的体现。直到这天被怼着入镜时，我才发现另一个要素。
Facing that close camera, I panicked. I stumbled over my words, forgot what I was saying mid-sentence. I was like a compass disturbed by a strong external magnetic field— spinning wildly with no rhyme or reason. No calm, no poise. I mumbled through it for over ten minutes, couldn't go on, and had to end the stream.
面对那个靠近的直播镜头，我慌了。语无伦次，说前忘后，像极了一个罗盘，被某个强大的外部磁场所干扰，毫无章法地乱转，不见一丝一毫的淡定从容。这是不曾出现的混乱，我硬是吞吞吐吐了十几分钟，实在撑不下去，只得关掉下播。
I told Lingzi about it. She laughed and said, "So you do care about your skin after all." That seemed to make sense— the close camera exposed my flaw, and I couldn't take it. Had my usual calm just been because I wasn't fully exposed on camera?
我跟灵子说了这件事，她说，哈，你到底是在意你的皮肤的吧。这似乎能说通的，贴近的镜头暴露自己的丑，这感觉难以接受。而我原本的淡定，似乎还在于没有在镜头前完全暴露自己？
Two days later, I thought about it again. No— that wasn't right. I've walked around shirtless while strangers came and went from my home. I've done the same in the office, no shame. At the dermatologist's office, I took off my clothes in front of the doctor and his students— let them examine me with magnifying glasses, film me from every angle with a high-def camera. Never once did I feel flustered, uneasy, or embarrassed. So what was that feeling in front of the live stream camera?
过了两天，再次思考这事。不对，当我光着膀子，任由陌生人进出我的私人住处；当我依旧如此在办公室里面对陌生人，毫不遮掩；当我在医院皮肤科，在医生和他的学生们面前脱掉衣服，给拿着放大镜去端详，举着高清摄像机三百六十度无死角拍摄时，我可没有任何的慌张、不安和羞涩。所以，在直播镜头里，那情绪到底是什么？
It felt like an instinct, not a conscious choice. The moment I saw my flawed reflection on the phone screen, I felt uncomfortable. But when I look at photos of myself— even ugly ones— I don't have that reaction.
它似乎是一种本能反应，而不是深思熟虑的结果。当我一看到手机画面返回给我的瑕疵画面，我就不舒服起来了。然而，我看自己的照片，哪怕很丑的，却没有这种反应。
If I were a growth-focused streamer, sharing lessons from my journey, would I still feel uneasy? No, that's not it. I'd actually be happy to stream with my flaws visible, let people see my imperfections. Because then, the flaw becomes a strength. Think about it: if I were normal, good mental health would be unremarkable. But for someone with a physical defect, good mental health requires a powerful mindset to free them from inferiority, embarrassment, and shame.
假如我是成长类主播，分享成长心得，我会依然不自在吗？不，不对，我倒是很愿意对着瑕疵直播，让他人看清我的糟糕。因为这时，它是一个亮点。想想看，如果我本是一个正常人，我心理健康那岂不是挺正常。但是对于一个生理上有缺陷的人，如果他心理健康，那么必须得有一个足够有力量的理念，才能将他从糟糕的自卑、难堪、羞涩中，解脱出来。
My inner peace isn't fake— not a forced smile or feigned joy. I know what that kind of pretense looks like, and I don't have it. Subconscious instincts lie deep beneath my conscious mind, a dark area I can't fully map. But above that layer, I've explored every part of my mind. There's no hidden bitterness or repression at my core. Nourished by wisdom, my mind cycles through seasons but stays vibrant.
我的心灵不是假性的和谐，不是伪装出来的笑和开心，我了解过那种伪装，但我没有。潜意识、动物体的本性在心灵的地下层，我无法摸清那块阴暗的区域，但是在这之上，我踏遍了自身心灵的每一块区域，内核里没有暗藏苦涩和压抑。拜那些智慧所滋养，心灵春夏秋冬轮更，生机不变。
Without this peace, I'd have no right to share growth tips or happiness principles. How can I ask others to believe in something I can't live myself? My skin condition is poor, but in practice, this peace I've achieved is proof of the value of the happiness principles I hold. I even see my flawed skin as a medal— awarded for my efforts to free my mind from external oppression.
倘若没能达到这种和谐，我就没有资格传播成长心得和幸福理念，我自己做不好的事情，又如何能让别人去相信。而我皮肤情况并不好，从实践角度说，我已经拥有的和谐，足以证明所秉持幸福理念的价值。我甚至还认为，瑕疵的皮肤是我的勋章，颁授给了我拯救心灵解放它不受外在压迫的努力。
But then I thought again: a medal means you don't want to take it off, don't want to throw it away. If there was a button that could make my skin normal instantly, would I press it? Here's the contradiction. When I go to a job interview, promote myself publicly, negotiate business, sell rice on a live stream, or meet my future in-laws— this flaw is a hurdle. People focus more on it. It's not always rudeness or disrespect; it's a natural human reaction to something unusual. Our eyes are drawn to what stands out. Once, my dear nephew said, "Uncle, your neck looks scary sometimes."
但是我又细想，既然是勋章，就意味着不愿意摘除、丢弃。假如有一个按钮，让我摆脱瑕疵立马拥有正常的皮肤，我是否会按下去。此时我又是矛盾的。这矛盾在于，当我找工作去面试，当我抛头露面去推销，当我和他人洽谈业务，当我在直播间卖大米，或者当我要去见未来的岳父岳母，瑕疵给我了一定的障碍。对面的注意力更多在瑕疵上，这不总是意味着没礼貌和不尊重，而是人在见到非常规事物时，必然体现出来的一种生理反应，就像我们的眼睛总能注意到特别的事物。例如有一天晚上，亲爱的外甥说，“舅舅，你的脖子有时候看起来挺恐怖的”。
I said, "Really? Have you always thought that?"
我说“是吧，你一直这样觉得吗？”
"Not really," he said. "After seeing it a lot, it's just normal. I got used to it."
“也不是，看多了也就那样，慢慢就习惯。”
That's the flip side of the hurdle. You can't dive into meaningful conversations as smoothly or quickly as others. The other person isn't a lover, family member, or close friend— they don't know me well, let alone my inner self. That means more communication costs. That's why I sometimes put on concealer before events: to redirect attention and lower those costs.
障碍就在这反面。你没法像一般人那样，和对面顺利而快速地进入到实质的交流。对面不是恋人、家人、熟悉的朋友，不会对我很熟悉，更不会了解我的内在为人。这就意味着更多的沟通成本。这也是出席一些场合前，我会擦一些遮瑕膏的原因所在，尝试消除注意力转移和降低沟通成本。
In that sense, my discomfort and panic at exposing my flaw in the rice-selling live stream came down to one thing: it didn't look good. It's a sales stream— if I were a viewer, my attention would be diverted. Pragmatically speaking, a streamer with a good (or at least non-distracting) appearance gets better results. I didn't want to waste time, and I didn't want to play on pity.
从这个意义上说，在卖大米的直播间暴露瑕疵，不舒服和慌张在于：就是不好看——那是卖货的直播间，我若是观众，注意就会被转移走。从行为效益来说，好形象的主播，至少是不转移观众注意力的形象，能产生更加好的结果。我既不想浪费时间，也不想卖惨。
But this is all a thought experiment. Maybe one day I'll actually become a growth streamer, sharing my experiences and happiness principles. Then I can truly test if my realization today is correct.
话说回来，这是思想实验。也许有一天我真做起成长主播，分享成长经验和幸福理念，那时我又能实实在在地验证，我这次的觉察是不是对的。